One-Punch Ed
by VerdeSaiyan
Summary: As monsters and other such menaces make a sudden appearance on Earth, a boy discovers his godlike strength and fights them off as a superhero.(OPM parody with Eene characters and OCs) Rated M for blood, violence, suggestive themes, language etc
1. Chapter 1

Peach Creek, Arizona 10:45 AM June 14.

Three boys were currently hanging out at one of their houses. The first is Ed, who wears a green jacket, t-shirt with red and white stripes, jeans and rainboots.

The second is Edd, who is often called Double D to avoid naming confusion. He wears a red t-shirt with elbow length sleeves, purple bike shorts, and sneakers.

The third is Eddy, who is the shortest of the three, being no more than five feet in height. He has three long hairs sticking out of his head and nothing more. he wears a yellow bowling shirt with a singular purple stripe running vertically down the right side, as well as purple sleeves and collar, acid washed jeans, and Nike brand shoes.

Eddy lays down on the bed, reading one of Double D's magazines.

"Dang it, Double D, how come you don't have any GOOD magazines?"

"Because I tend not to indulge myself in pornography as you do." Double D said, tinkering with what appeared to be a metallic arm with multiple wires sticking out of it. "Now will you either help me or be quiet? I need utmost concentration.

Eddy silently mouthed Double D's speech as if to mock him.

Ed peered over Double D's shoulder. "What'cha working on?" He asked.

"If you must know, Ed, I'm attempting to construct an android assistant to assist my research and development."

Ed stared silently into space.

"A robot that looks human, Ed."

"ROBOT!? COOL!" Ed shrieked with delight.

"Bo-o-o-ring." Eddy mused. "I gotta use it. Be right back."

As Eddy went to the restroom, and took care of his business, he started washing his hands. A noise pierced the air, before a light filled the room. He covered his eyes, and looked above.

He gasped and croaked in fear.

"AAAAAAHHHH!"

Double D and Ed heard the scream, but could do nothing about it as the house was blown apart.

Shards of wood and plaster buried the two boys. Eddy however was lifted into the air, within the claws of a gigantic bird-like monster. It was in the shape of a humanoid condor.

"Meat...meat...meat!" It cried.

"Ah! Guys somebody help me!" Eddy shouted, beating the monster's claw with his fists to no avail.

Double D coughed as he rose out of the debris. Every inch of his body ached. "E...Eddy..."

Ed's face contorted into a terrified gaze.

"Heh-heh-heh! Yummy-yummy!" The man-condor cackled as he tossed Eddy into the air.

"NOOOOO!" The short Ed screamed as he was about to fall back into the beast's mouth.

The creature was about to snap him in two with it's beak, but only wound up snapping at the air.

"Huh?"

Eddy opened his eyes in panic, gripped by disbelief that he was still alive. He looked up to his savior.

"E...Ed!?"

Ed stared up at the hundred-foot avian menace with a bold expression.

The bird-like monster stooped down and shrieked in Ed's face. "You take me food! ME KILL YOU!" The creature threw his claw at Ed, only for him to grab it.

Though it was a tremendous appendage, Ed didn't strain a bit, despite the bird applying all it's strength.

"Kill! Kill! KILL!" The monster slashed wildly at the boy, only for him to acrobatically dodge every attack with a soliei of back-flips, leaps and front-flips.

Double D and Eddy watched on in awe at the sight of their friend facing off with this monster in a tango of terror, a flash of blade and claw.

Finally, the beast attempted to bite him in two, but as it came in close, Ed drew his fist back.

"TAAAAKE THIS!" He screamed, slamming his fist into the bird's beak.

The monster shrieked in pain as it's beak shattered wretchedly. It's face was also warped, like a bullet passing through jelly. Blood spilled everywhere as it collapsed in a heap, smashing through the two houses over.

Double D and Eddy were both floored by the monster's death. The smarter one scrambled over to it. He shined a light into it's eye from his pocket. No reaction.

"It's...dead." He said, a tremble to his voice.

"Ed...did you just kill this thing with...one punch!?" Eddy asked, bewildered and still slightly shocked.

Ed looked to his blood-soaked hand, smoke billowing from it.

He grinned, eyes glancing in opposite directions, as his are so apt to do.

"COOL! I'm like a comic book hero guy!" He playfully punched the air, consumed in glee.

"I knew he was strong, but I didn't think he could be THIS strong..." said Double D. "We should investigate this..."

"Yeah...I bet'cha we could make some money off this somehow." Eddy chuckled as his sock-headed friend groaned.

Meanwhile, across the street, a boy with a red cap, green shirt and black bicycle shorts and a darker skinned bald boy with a white shirt and black pants carrying a plank of wood with a face scrawled on it gazed at the destruction of the two houses flattened by the tremendous man-bird.

"What...the...FUCK!?" Kevin screamed.


	2. Chapter 2

After Ed's "battle" with the giant humanoid condor, Double D brought him and Eddy to his basement, which he had tricked out into a laboratory since his parents were never around. It was virtually the only part of his house left untouched by the beast's attack.

"Jeez Double D, where'd you get all this crap?" Eddy asked, marvelling at the advanced technology.

"My father is a scientist that has a contract with the U.S. military." Double D said. "I don't really know what he provides them, but in return, he receives extremely generous funding for generally anything he wants."

"So you steal your dad's money?" Eddy asked.

"Of course not, Eddy. He has a lot of it in an open account for myself and mother to use. I tapped into some of it, and got this equipment for general use. Of course I couldn't _literally_ purchase this advanced system that only the medical community has access to. I built it from scratch with spare parts and processors based on a model."

"You are scary smart, Double D." Ed mouthed through some wires that Double D stuck to his tongue.

"Please don't speak Ed, you'll interfere with the biometric scan."

"What are you doing, exactly?" Eddy asked.

"I'm trying to find the source for his tremendous strength! Ever since we've known Ed he's been incredibly strong, lifting trees and houses with his bare hands, and now dealing fatal damage to that bird monster.

"While we're on the subject, that monster is completely enigmatic as well...I took samples from it's blood, skin, feathers and talons...it obviously matches no known species we've discovered."

"Well, yeah. The damn thing TALKED." said Eddy.

"Watch your language, please," demanded Edd. "But yes, that is puzzling. It seems to me that this being was a chimera of sorts...some kind of cocktail mix of genes mashed together...Only human beings should be able to articulate as such. I'll have to conduct further study on that."

"Okay...and what about Ed's strength?"

"I'll have to take a blood sample from him. Hold still, Ed." The intelligent boy said, readying a syringe.

"N...needle!" Ed shrieked, ripping the wires out of his mouth, face and arms, running and slamming through the wall.

His two friends were left standing, bewildered at the sight of him digging through the dirt underneath the remains of the house, literally **running** through it.

After a brief pause, Eddy finally spoke. "You wanna go get something to eat?" he said, changing the subject.

Double D sighed. "Sure."

 **0**

A half-hour later, after tracking down Ed, the three of them were eating at a generic burger restaraunt. Ed happily gobbled down five or six sandwiches, ignoring the numerous stares the three of them were getting.

"You think he's going to stop at that many?" Eddy asked.

"It... _is_ Ed after all..." Double D replied, before feeling a tug on the back of his hat. "Huh? Oh dear!"

Kevin stared him down with an angry death glare. Jonny stood next to him, clutching his wooden friend Plank.

"You fucked up my house, dork!" Kevin growled.

"And mine too...again!" Jonny added.

"Anything to say to that?"

"I'm...sorry?"

Kevin hefted him into the air by his collar. "Ed's brat sister said she saw him screwing around with that dead bird thing and it fell on mine and Jonny's houses! And somebody's going to pay for it!"

Suddenly, an explosion thundered from outside.

"What the hell was that!?" One of the restaraunt's patrons asked.

Another explosion sounded, and the north wall of the building collapsed, and light spilled into the structure.

The Eds ran out and were met with a destroyed street. In the center was a single humanoid figure, wearing a red and brown costume made out of meteoric material. He had sickly white skin.

"What the hell!?" Eddy screamed.

The costumed male raised his head. "Earthlings...are really disgusting!" He shouted, slamming his fist into the pavement, causing the street to cave in.

Ed gasped. He grabbed his friends. "Alleyoop!" He shouted, leaping high into the air. **Very** high.

The three were propelled into the sky at high speeds, by Ed's jumping muscle alone. It seemed that they were never going to descend, only rising higher into the sky, where the oxygen thinned, and the temperatures seldom rose a degree.

Then, finally they began their descent, the ground once a mere blur of green and blue now a concrete wall. Ed's body lit up with flame as he soared ever closer to the ground before finally impacting.

The four-way intersection was now a smoldering crater left behind from the assailant's attack, and Ed's re-entry. He stood, with his clothes now reduced to a pair of stained boxer shorts, as Double D's nose ran red and his eyes fluttered. His immense brain clearly hadn't made the trip down yet. Eddy however was still shivering from the mere shock of surviving the impact.

Ed glared at the humanoid. "EVILDOER! I, Ed the Indomitable will defeat you!"

The dark warrior scoffed. "What kind of hero name is that?"

Double D finally came back to his senses. "You! What are you, a monster?"

"A monster?" The alien chuckled darkly. "No. I am the apostle of Nibiru."

"Apophis?" Edd asked. "The...the rogue planet of Sumerian legend?"

The assailant nodded with a sick grin. "Only it isn't a legend...I am from the Nibiru system, born to destroy. I am a demigod who seeks to bring death to all that lives! I have no real name, but I suppose you can call me...Oblivion Man."

Eddy hopped to his feet and pointed at Oblivion Man. "Yeah? Well guess what?" He said with a snicker. "I have a weapon that's gonna put a shove your plan up your ass!" He ran over to Ed and ducked behind him. "Ed! Get him."

"Roger wilko, Eddy!" Ed said, flexing his arms with a dumb grin.

"Hold on, Eddy!" Double D said. "You can't liken Ed to an inanimate object like a weapon! It's an insult to his humanity!"

"You wanna die, Double D? Then shut up and go with the plan."

"What plan?" Double D groaned.

Oblivion Man rolled his eyes, before flinging his arm out and launching a stream of fire at the Eds.

Double D and Eddy leapt out of the way, but Ed stood still and took the blast.

"Ed!" Double D and Eddy shrieked.

The extraterrestrial demon gave a sadistic smile as the boy was burned, laughing his ass off.

"Heh-heh-heh! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Oblivion Man cackled, oblivious of the approaching shadow within the flame. And then, at last, a tumultous slam echoed throughout Peach Creek as he was impaled by a palish-yellow fist.

The fire dissipated, revealing Ed, who punched Oblivion Man through it, killing him and spattering his blood everywhere.

"I win!" Ed said happily. "Just like when Vegeta killed that green guy in _Dragon Ball Z_!"

Double D and Eddy stood flabbergasted at the result, thinking their friend would be charred to ashes, but even more mortified that Ed's clothes had been burned away.

"We...need to get out of here," said Eddy.

 **0**

At the same time, a group of air-carriers lifted the destroyed carcass of the titanic bird monster away from Kevin and Jonny's houses.

A man wearing a tuxedo stood on, watching the scene, removing his sunglasses. He was very handsome. He got on a special communicator in his pocket.

"This is the Class A Hero: Darkcoat. Yes, I'm in the small town of Peach Creek right now. I don't know what this is all about, but rest assured, I'll get to the bottom of it."

 **0**

 **And that's all she wrote for chapter 2. Creating a character made only just to be instantly killed off like that normally isn't my style, but I suppose it works this time.**

 **It seems Ed's strength is earning him some rather quick attention. What will become of the Ed's sleepy little lives now? Stay posted to find out~.**


	3. Chapter 3

After the attack of Oblivion Man and the devastation of the city, the Eds had retreated into the forest bordering Peach Creek. The same forest Double D normally collected insect and arachnid specimins for his personal research.

"What exactly are we doing out here?" Eddy asked.

"Well, we needed an escape from the situation at hand, Eddy." Double D replied. "If someone were recording Ed's...meeting with that alien, then everyone might lose their cap and blame us for the destruction. I looked through some of Ed's comic books for examples and very sparsely do people rejoice heroes in the beginning."

"They don't?" Ed asked, raising the left side of his eyebrow.

"You only pay attention to the heroes themselves, don't you?"

"Yeah! Especially the powers and the punches!" Ed said, not paying attention and striking at the air, unintenionally causing a gust of wind, blowing Double D's shirt off. "Oops. Sorry."

His friend covered his chest nervously. "Well now I need to go home and get a replacement. You two stay here."

As Edd stumbled away at a brisk pace, Eddy folded his arms. "And do WHAT!?"

"Think of something!"

"Turkey Salad!" Ed shouted in glee.

"Excuse me...a little help?" A squirrelly voice asked. The two looked up to see a familiar face hanging from the tree they were standing under. It was a boy with curly hair with a large retainer sticking out of his mouth and circling entirely around his head. The dental headgear was jammed between two branches, sticking him in place.

"Jimmy?" asked Eddy.

"Please help."

"Huh. We usually find Jonny stuck in trees. Sure, we'll get you down...for a fee...he-he-he! Hey! Monobrow, what are you doing!?"

Ed walked over to the tree and uprooted it with a rumble.

"Superheroes don't work for money, Eddy." He said.

"But you're not-ugh! Fiiiiine."

 **0**

Their distressed friend was attempting to leave the forest to return home for another shirt, but found himself stumbling through the tall grass and fallen branches.

"Oh dear Lord, I'm lost!" He cried. "Hello? Hello? Is anyone there!" He tripped over his own foot.

"Oh dear...

"Is anyone there? Can anyone help me?"

" **I** can..." A seductive female voice asked.

"Who is-aah!"

A pair of large sharp objects grabbed him by the shoulders and lifted him from the ground.

"Oh my..." He said, as he was brought face to face with a pair of marroon-colored eyes.

 **0**

After Ed sat the tree on the ground, he broke away the branches holding Jimmy's retainer and helped him stand.

"Wow, Ed! Thanks!"

"All in a few minutes work!" He said with a smile.

"Whatever..." Eddy said, annoyed that he didn't make a buck out of it.

"HEEEEELP MEEEEEEEE!" A voice screamed from deeper in the woods.

"That was Double D!" Ed shouted before running to the source of the scream.

Eddy and Jimmy looked to each other, the former shrugging and following his burly friend.

 **0**

Double D found himself covered in web-like wrappings, with only his face peeking out. His attacker-a frightening being. She had a spider's abdomen, with long legs, each tipped with a small spike. The upperbody was that of a beautiful woman with long black hair. She giggled as she wrapped him up even further in her webs.

"I usually like meals with a bit more fat on their bodies than yours, but you'll still do nicely..." The spider chimera laughed.

Double D mumbled as his face was covered up.

"Hush now...you'll be free soon."

On the forest floor, Ed, Eddy, and Jimmy ran to the scene, instantly gazing at the monster in her web.

"Double D!?" Eddy shouted.

"SPIDER!" Jimmy screamed, hiding behind Ed. "Icky sticky creepy crawly!"

The spider-woman frowned before leaping from the tree and snatching young Jimmy up by the coif and climbing back to her perched position. "EEK!"

The she-creature gazed into his eyes with a cold stare. "What an uncouth young boy to call me icky and sticky. I'm actually quite nice once you get to know me." She smiled, showing her beastly fangs. " **Unfortunately, I don't often make friends with my food**!~"

"HELP MEEEE!" Jimmy cried as the spider lady opened her jaws, aiming to swallow him whole, but stopped as a rock slammed into the back of her head.

It did little more than piss her off.

She turned to see Eddy, who had thrown the rock.

"Oh wow...I...uh...hit her...in the head..." He muttered.

" **You** die first." She growled, before jumping down from her perch, aiming to impale Eddy with one of her spiked legs.

Eddy ducked out of the way just in time for Ed to tackle her, sending her flying into a stump.

The hybrid shook her head before turning her focus to Ed.

"Strong are you? Strong _and_ brave...or just dumb as hell!" She opened her jaws. "Have some of my acidic venom!" With a cry of 'BLECK!" She expelled an deadly spray of acid and venom.

Ed gave a stomp, causing pieces of earth to fly up and between him and the acid, causing it to melt rock instead of flesh.

"Lucky..." The Spider-Hybrid mused, before she leapt on top of him and started to stab at him with her spiked legs. Ed dodged every single attack, but stopping to grab the spike between his teeth.

"Wh...what the-!? Get your filthy teeth off of my beautiful leg-AAH!"

Ed picked the she-beast up and thrashed her around by the leg(whipping up a wind in the process that blew the tree branches around. Finally he threw her into a boulder, causing her to shriek in pain as her exoskeleton shattered through the rock.

The Spider Girl thrashed and skittered around, the impact crippling her.

Ed struck a pose. "I am Invincible Ed! Fear my power!" He screamed before sprinting at her, and with a leap, kicked her right through the abdomen.

"AAAAAAAUUUUGH!" Spider Girl screamed, as she felt her insides billow upward into her human half, causing her to inflate, and explode.

The greenish blood flew everywhere, drenching Ed and spattering on the terrified Jimmy, Eddy, and Double D's wrapped form.

"AAAAAAAHHH!" shrieked Jimmy. He took off running the opposite direction. "SARAAAAAAAAH!"

"Little bitch." Eddy said, wiping the fluid from his face. "Still, pretty frickin' gross. Come on Ed, help me lug Sockhead back to his house and get him out of this stupid coccoon."

Ed happily bounded over to his friend and lifted the coccoon up overhead. "To your garage we go!" He cheered, walking away.

 **0**

Meanwhile, as this conflict occured, a man sitting in an office raises his head at the sound of a high-tech door rising from the ground to the top of the door frame. Another man, Darkcoat, and a girl of about twenty walked into the room. The girl wore a golden leotard and choker, short neon blue cape and golden heels, with long white hair reaching to her lower back.

The girl was clearly not in a good mood.

"You wanted to see us?" She grumbled. Despite her sunny outfit, she was not a very cheery person.

"Fiona Reinner, AKA Class S Hero-Beam. We need you and Darkcoat to investigate a manner in a mid-sized Arizona town by the name of Peach Creek.

"Two Demon Level Threats, as you know each being a threat to a city's well being, have apparently been dealt with in that city. We're sure they're connected, but no known Association heroes have come forward claiming responsibility for the act, but it seems whoever _did_ defeat these monsters, did so as if it were nothing."

"Must be a powerful son of a gun." Darkcoat said as Beam rolled her eyes.

"Oh please...It would've been child's play to me." She groaned. "But I suppose we better find who did it."

"We've arranged a transport. If you'd like we can send some more B class heroes to back you up." The executive behind the desk continued.

"No thanks." Beam said before leaving the room. "I prefer to go my own way and work alone."

Darkcoat sighed. "We'll be right on it, sir."

"Good. Go out there and show them all what the American-branch Hero Association is capable of!"

The A-Class Hero nodded and left the room.

He followed behind Beam with a brisk pace. She growled and turned around. "I don't need a loser like you to back me up! I'm a powerful cyborg, and I can do this on my own!"

"You're not Genos, Beam."

"I know." She said, brushing her hair to the side. "I'm more powerful, faster, sturdier, more intelligent and even more organic than that piece of junk. Why don't you just stick to your toys and card tricks?"

Beam huffed and continued on her way. Darkcoat sighed again.

' _So self-centered and prideful...introverted and moody...I guess that's a side effect of her...procedure._

' _She didn't receive her augmentation to save her life. A freak did such a thing to her. A madman rumored to be building robots and androids to try and take over the world...but he disappeared soon after...some say he died...some say he turned himself into one of his monsters..._

' _But Beam isn't a monster..._

' _She's just a hurt little girl on the inside._ '

Darkcoat pulled a locket from his inner shirt pocket. Inside was a photo that showed a somewhat younger version of himself, with a little girl with blond hair. They were at a carnival and she was seated on his shoulders, carrying a pink teddy bear in one hand and a balloon in the other.

' _Why...why did this happen to my little Fiona?_ '

' _I guess that's all in the past now._ '

He closed the locket and put it back in his pocket, before following the girl he once called his daughter.

 **0**

 **That's chapter three. A parody of Mosquito Girl, and a father-daughter loss story.**

 **Little info on Darkcoat-his real name is Lucian Larrs, and he is fifty years old, but only appears to be in his mid thirties because he works out a lot, eats well, and dyes his hair.**

 **Fionna, AKA Beam is his daughter of twenty years, was kidnapped as a child, and turned into a cyborg. If you think her kidnapper's backstory is familiar...let's just say this will be a crossover of multiple series. But nobody make suggestions. I've already got it set in my mind.**

 **Coming next, Ed has a run-in with a familiar antagonist and stalker that has her heart set out for him, but another enemy returns, seeking vengeance.**


	4. Chapter 4

"One...two...three!" Eddy grunted as he raised a pick-axe and slammed it into the cocoon that enravelled his sock-headed friend.

No effect.

"Damn..." The diminutive Ed cursed. "That spider freak could sure spin a web..."

Ed chirped inquisitively before laying his hand in the middle of the cocoon, and with a grunt, pressed it down, causing it to slowly crack apart.

As soon as it did, Double D burst back into the world, with an air-hungry gasp. "Good lord! How long was I in there?"

"I dunno." Ed replied. "Pretty long."

"I...I should've died of oxygen starvation..." Double D continued, staring at his hands, aquiver from weakness. "I have to work quickly!" He immediately sprang up and sprinted back to his home. Ed and Eddy watched from the window, confused to say the least.

 **0**

In a dark laboratory, a crazed-looking scientist walks by a large number of grotesque creatures in large floor-to-ceiling height tubes and pods.

"So...Spider Queen was eliminated, eh?" He said, pressing some blips on a holo-screen emitted from a high-tech wristwatch-like device. "That's okay...She escaped, so she was useless to me. Too strong willed, she was.

"But my spy drones in her forest domain managed to keep tabs on her, and got a clear image of her killer..." He continued as an image of a teenage boy with buzz-cut hair and yellow skin, a prominent unibrow slapped across his forehead, his face bearing a simple expression.

"Oh wow, this boy needs to see a doctor about that weird skin discoloration...might have jaundice or something...whatever."

He grinned madly, as three creatures behind him stretched to life inside their pods as they were being born.

"My children...your sister has left us... **give pain to her murderer...** "

 **0**

Eddy and Ed followed behind Double D, who now sported a mechanical exoskeleton on his right arm divided into two segments, a blue lower layer, and a gold upper layer.

"What's with the killer glove?" Eddy asked.

"Call it a little assurance, Eddy." Edd replied. "If I'm ever in a pinch, say if another monster attacks, and Ed is nowhere to be found, this exo-appendage will augment my strength a good ten-times over and heaven willing, I can defeat that monster. I'll put the whole 'Android Assistant' idea on hold until we find peace for a good while."

"May have to change ten to a hundred there, Sockhead." Eddy snickered.

"At the moment, I need to test this new contraption." Edd added. "But what would serve as a suitable subject...hmm..."

"Ooh! Ooh!" Ed piped up. "Punch me! Punch me!"

"No, Ed. You tend to have a way of destroying things, and I don't want my new invention to wind up in the scrap heap."

"Aww..." His belly started rumbling. "I'm hungry..."

"You're always hungry, lump." Eddy grumbled.

 **0**

Elsewhere in the city, the Cyborg known as Beam walked out of a cafe after refueling. She wasn't powered by direct electricity like robots. Her pseudo-digestive system was molded to be exactly like a normal human, being able to derive energy from food.

Trailing behind her was the lower class hero Darkcoat, keeping a watchful eye of her.

"What have I told you about following me around like I'm some lost kid?" She groaned, obviously peeved off at his insistence to following her to Peach Creek.

"Us heroes do have to stick together, don't we?" He chuckled nervously. "Besides, most of my work is documenting attacks from monsters and villainous personalities, tracking possible patterns, the nit-picky stuff."

"Hmph. Sounds like you'd be pretty useless in a fight." The cyborg girl said. "You A class heroes are the public eye of the Hero Association, so you should really stick to that, and stay out of S class' way."

Darkcoat frowned nervously. ' _You didn't think so before...you looked up to your old man..._ ' He thought.

Suddenly, a huge shadow cast over them.

"What the-?" Beam asked as they looked up to see a huge bat-like figure fly over head.

The bat-like figure flew down upon them, prompting Beam to activate the booster rockets in her modified feet to leap out of the way. Darkcoat merely gave a cowardly shout, jumping to the right, barely missing the creature's wing.

The two heroes regrouped behind it as the creature reshaped itself, becoming slight smaller and more humanoid. It was a cross between a manta ray and a bat, with blue skin and grey fur on his back. His wings now draped like a cape. A long tail with a spiked tip trailed behind him.

"Aww...just barely missed ya." It croaked.

"What kind of monster are you supposed to be?" Darkcoat asked.

Beam noticed the claw mark on the side of her costume, discolored blood leaking out.

"A dead one." She answered.

"Oh-ho! Fiesty!" The bat-manta beast chuckled. "They call me Devil Skate! How's about you and me do the dance of death!?" The monster's arms extended, as huge claws sprouted from them.

"Fine. But _you're_ the one dying here, creature!" Beam growled, boosting herself at him. Devil Skate swiped at her, but she did a midair flip, landing behind him. With a swift kick to his ankle, she caused the monster to screech and curse.

The mutant freak swiped his claws at her a few more times, but Beam was too quick.

"You can't hit me at all, can you?" She taunted, a bit of a sadist's grin on her lips.

"Little bitch!" Devil Skate growled, tossed into a rage, now stabbing madly at her with his spiked tail. The girl grabbed his tail and swung him around powerfully.

"'Round and 'round he goes, where he dies, nobody knows!" She sang, before throwing Devil Skate into the sky.

The creature screamed as it ascended in a perpetual spin, fearing his land. He morphed back into his giant flying form, slowing the rotation, but only slightly. He retained his loss of control.

Beam reactivated the boosters in her feet and flew at immeasureable speed, landing a horrendous uppercut to Devil Skate's chest.

"B-bla!" It spurted.

The cyborg then grabbed him by his left wing, painfully severing it, causing the monster to shriek hellishly.

With a mighty kick, Beam cast him back down to the earth. His fate? To become a massive stain on the sidewalk.

Or rather, to cave in the roof of a five-story building, the word's "UP! Industries" pasted on the front.

A manager immediately ran outside, looking to the sky, apparently terrified that more giant monsters would rain down from heaven.

Beam chuckled nervously.

"Oops...guess I put too much force into that one..."

 **0**

One lengthy explanation and apology by the two heroes, and they were back on there way. Beam's eyes were lit up, scanning for any bolsterous life signs.

There were five kinds of life signs that she could detect. The first was plant life. Not menacing at all. The second was animal life. Then again, only large carnivores posed any real threat to people, and NO animal of any kind posed any threat to her. The third was ordinary human life, her duty of course to preserve these three.

Life signs with a four or five rating were tricky. They could pertain to humans with unusual powers, which could then be groomed into heroes, or should they be tempted, turned to villainy. Another such possibility was that they were monsters, like the one she'd just dispatched. Monsters hated humans with a passion for being the public dominant species of Earth.

Right now, her scanners were poised on three life signs. Two rate fours, and...one unusual. It showed no number rating at all.

"That's...odd..." Beam whispered.

"What's wrong?" Darkcoat asked.

"I've never discovered a life sign with no number rating. I need to check it out."

"That sounds like it could be dangerous..." The tuxedo wearing A-Class Hero said.

"Oh, what are you, _my dad_?" Beam asked, fists on her hips, eyebrow twitching, obviously annoyed. "If it's too much for a dust mite like you, go back to HQ, go home, or just go somewhere away from me. I don't have any time at all for cowards."

"I'm NOT a coward." Darkcoat asserted. "And what would you know. Do you even remember who your father was?"

"No, and if he's anything like you, I couldn't care any less." She kept walking as the layout of Peach Creek was holographed in front of her.

"The two rated numbers are approaching a lane in a suburban area of town. No-number is already there. If anything it seems like a monster meeting."

"Hmm...well I heard from everyone at HQ that the Hero Association Head Branch in Japan has recorded such things recently. Maybe the U.S. monsters are picking up on the trend." Darkcoat elaborated.

"Let's go then." Beam said.

 **0**

Ed and Eddy watched in the lane as Double D tested his new exo-appendage. He flexed the arm his new armor-for lack of a better word-was attached to regularly so it wouldn't become stiff. It had to be kept lose, or else moving that arm in a pinch would be impossible, and may cause injury.

The sock-headed teen threw a pebble a good distance, no longer in sight.

"That's good and all, Double D, but maybe next time throw an _actual_ rock?" Eddy asked, moreover to taunt him.

"You have to start small, Eddy." His more intelligent friend said. "After all, _this_ is just the prototype."

"Prototype? Aww shit, is it going to turn out like that dumb rocket from the time we were playing in the junkyard last summer?"

Double D sweatdropped. He hoped to forget that moment, as well as many other of their misadventures over the previous year, but this one was one of the more preposterous ones.

Ed had filled their minds with imagery from one of his B-movies titled _Robot Rebel Ranch._ Vivid imagery that led them astray into the junkyard, and soon enough they were hiding from imaginary robot mercenaries that in the end turned out to be Ed's bratty younger sister Sarah, and Jimmy.

During this little lapse in reality, Double D built a one-manned prototype rocket in the hopes of propelling them to safety. Suffice to say, it did little more than anger Eddy, who served as a flight test dummy.

"Well, I'd say that was enough of a test for today. I'm headed home." Double D declared, removing the exo-appendage with a simple press of a button, causing it to fold into a blue and gold hexagon.

"Whatever. I haven't made any cash in a month, so I'm gonna try and get a scam together." Eddy muttered.

"I wanna beat up more bad guys!" Ed said, bumping his fists together, causing a shockwave. "But right now, I need to make a costume. Tomorrow, buckos!" He said, cheerfully walking off in a goofy, soldier-like trot, kicking his legs up high.

As soon as the three dispersed, a tremor caught them by surprise as a figure erupted from below. The Eds all backed to either of the lane's fences as the being came into view. It was a cyborg entity with a drill comprising it's lower half, it's upper half a large rodent.

"What the heck is that?!" Double D asked.

"Howdy there, boy-os!" The cyborg rodent said in a strange warbling voice. "They call me Gyro-gopher." He looked to Ed. "I'll leave you to the boss. These two are mine!"

Gyro-gopher span around becoming a miniature tornado, much to Double D and Eddy's shock.

"Boss?" Ed asked before a huge shadow fell from overhead and slammed his face into the dirt.

The unseen assailant picked him up by his square-shaped noggin and turned him around to face him at eye level. It was a large, brutish gorilla with crimson fur.

"This is the one that killed Spider Queen? Ha!" It laughed, a strange croak-like sound in it's throat.

Ed grinned. "Hi, gorilla guy! My name is Ed!"

"And now Ed is dead!" The red king-kong wannabe threw him to the ground and spat a river of fire on him.

As soon as the flames hit, Ed slammed his fists into the ground, causing a wall of rock to seperate him from the death flame.

"Wh-what!?" Fire Kong blanched.

Ed leapt to the top of the of his rock wall. "Whew! Toasty!"

"Cheeky little bastard!" The talking ape-beast shouted. With a swing of his fist, Ed was sent flying.

The boy quickly steadied himself, flouncing around on one foot for a bit.

Fire Kong growled before charging at Ed. His fists lit ablaze. "Burning Bludgeon Barrage!" The ape threw these blazing fists at Ed, determined to pound him into dust and ash. Each punch landed, but each one merely earned a goofy giggle from the budding superhero.

"Ah-hahahaha! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

"Stop laughing!" Fire Kong demanded, throwing one more fiery punch. "Comet Crash!" The flames intensified as he swung his arm.

"Boost!" Ed shouted, leaping out of the way and into the sky.

Fire Kong watched in shock as he disappeared from sight. "What the-? Where did he-? How in-bluah!" He was cut of guard by something hard and painful slamming into his back, causing him to tumble over.

"I'm back!~" Ed cheered, clapping.

"D...did he just circle the entire planet?" Fire Kong gasped.

Gyro-gopher span his drill around, aiming to mow Double D and Eddy down. The two of them had to keep jumping to the side to keep him from cutting them up with the side of the drill.

"Hee-hee-hee! You can't escape me!" He started spinning more erratically, but was cut off as something grabbed him. The cyborg rodent blinked nervously as nothing should've been able to stop his rotation. "Huh?"

He looked down to see a pretty blond girl about nineteen or twenty holding his drill-foot in place. "I...Impossible!" He shouted. "Where did you come from."

"You don't need to know. A goofy rat like you came up as a rate 4 reading?" Beam asked.

Gyro-gopher growled, before reaching into one of the pockets inside his mechanized half, and pulled out a sophisticated rifle. "Have some of this!" It shot twin rays of energy at Beam, causing her to let go, and plowing her backward. Luckily, she had covered her face and torso with her crossed arms.

"Dirty rat!" Beam shouted, as her right arm folded inward, and transformed into a cannon.

Gyro-gopher gasped in fear as the cyborg girl smirked.

"Mine's bigger." She chuckled, before unleashing a massive blast of energy at him, causing an explosion.

Meanwhile, Ed was still dodging Fire Kong's flame attacks, swerving and ducking, almost as if he was a cartoon character.

"Huff...huff...huff..." The overgrown ape gasped. "Are you...even tired?"

"Nope!" Ed chimed. "My turn! Let's do something about that fire punch, Infernape!" He grabbed the beast's arm, and much to it's shock, pain and disgust, twisted it around, splintering the bones apart.

"Gyaaaaaaaaah!" Fire Kong screamed horrendously.

Beam watched. "That boy...What is he?" Her eye scanners pinged and beeped, as a question mark appeared. "It's him...HE'S the unknown rated life sign!"

"Now it's time to show you a really cool move!" Ed shouted in glee as he windmilled his arm. He swung it so quickly, with such ferocity that it gathered static electricity from the surrounding area. "Super Duper Whammy Shammy Mega Killing Punch!" He threw his fist forward, sending an electrified wall of force at Fire Kong.

The ape breathed it's hottest flames yet, but began to feel the drawbacks of such. His insides were overheating. On top of this, his fire breath was doing absolutely nothing to stop Ed's attack.

"No...no...NO-aaack!" The static blast hit him, vaporizing his body.

Ed raised his fist triumphantly. "Who-hoo! I win again!"

The smoke from Beam's arm cannon finally cleared, revealing a highly injured Gyro-gopher. His mechanical lower half in disrepair. His left eye also seemed to be put out, and his paws could barely move.

"C-crap! I...I should've just dug a den and said screw this mission." He coughed.

"What mission?" Beam demanded, bearing down on the rodent, holding two fingers to his chest. The little beast could feel an intense heat from her, meaning if she wanted, she could probably roast him here and there.

"I...it don't make no difference!" The talking gopher said. "'Sides, Fire Kong'll come to my rescue! I think he's already dealt with the big dumb guy that killed-eh...huh?"

As they had their confrontation, Ed walked up and started eating a chicken salad sandwich he seemed to produce from nowhere.

"Is that another monster? Can I beat it up!?" He asked, giddily.

"Ah...shit!" Gyro-gopher cursed, before Beam jabbed him in the stomach. "Kuah!"

"Start talking!" She demanded, ripping him from his drill half, revealing him to be nothing but an abnormally large gopher. "Before I see how far I can throw you!"

"Okay, okay!" He shouted. "Just don't kill me! Our creator, Dr. Mamura is a geneticist that was kicked out of society because of his controversial experiments like me and the Spider Queen! He got wind of her death from his spy drones, and sent us to kill the kid with the unibrow for doing her in!"

"A mad scientist created you, and sent you after us?" Double D asked. "Dear me, what we've gotten into now..."

"Yeah..." Eddy added. "Usually it's just us getting beat up for scamming chump change off'a chumps!" This earned him an elbow to the stomach from Edd. "Y'ow!"

"Tell me something else and we'll let you go..." Darkcoat said, walking up from behind the others. He spoke gently to the talking gopher. "Where is this Mamura? Where is his laboratory?"

"Buried under the trailer park on the other side of the junkyard in that 'peach' town." Gyro-gopher asked. "But you better bring some crazy strong guys to go in there. Immediately arter Mamura released us, he started work on his 'perfect experiment!'"

"And what is that?"

"I dunno...you think the doctor lets me in on the big schemes?! I was literally _born_ today!"

Beam opened her hand, releasing him to fall to the ground. Ed picked him up.

"Are you okay?"

Gyro-gopher looked at him like he was insane. "I just tried to bump off your pals, and you ask if _I'm_ okay?"

Ed nodded.

"I think I need to see a doctor...or a vet or whatever..."

"Aww...I know!" Ed shouted. "I'll take you with me, and I'll go stop the mad scientist!"

"Excuse me!?" Edd interjected. "Sorry, Ed, but I'm vetoing this. END of insanity. This is too dangerous for us. Let the government handle it."

Beam sighed. " **I'll** handle it." She said. "My...associate and I are part of an organization called the Hero Association. My name is Beam, and I'm a powerful cyborg. Class S Hero."

"I'm Darkcoat." Her partner added. "Class A."

"Are you a cyborg too?" Eddy asked.

"Nope. I'm essentially just an ordinary person with lots of hand-to-hand fighting experience, technical expertise, and a penchant for gizmos and the like."

"BO-ring." The three haired kid yawned.

Darkcoat sighed. "If you're looking for really special people, you want Class S and the higher ranking members of Class A. Class S is full of heroes with special powers. I'm lower Class A."

"You boys should just stick to your comics, school and stuff." Beam added.

"School? It's summer." Eddy asserted.

"Whatever." Beam said offhandedly before beckoning Darkcoat. "C'mon, loser. We have a crazed scientist playing God that we need to stop."

"Wait!" said Ed, waving his hands. "Take me too! I wanna be a superhero!"

The two heroes looked back to him with an inquisitive glance.

"You? A hero?" Beam asked. "Don't waste our-"

"I don't see why not." Darkcoat mused, scratching his chin. "We could probably push the Association to implement a Junior Division."

"Yahoo!" Ed cheered, dancing a silly jig as Beam shot Darkcoat a dirty look.

Ed and Double D groaned. "Here we go again..."

 **0**

In the dark laboratory of Dr. Mamura, a girl wakes up. She has blue hair, and is bound by her ankles and wrists, locked inside cylindrical bonds.

"Wh...what the-!?" She looks to either side of each other, seeing two other girls her age, one with poofy, eye-obscuring red hair, and the other with long blond hair. They are all wearing medical gowns.

"Lee! May! Wake the hell up!"

The other two groan and wake up, each groggy from rising so quickly.

"Wh...where are we!? Have we been abducted!?" May screamed.

"Who's the dead man!?" The eldest, Lee, growled.

The crazed scientist who unleashed his creations on Ed, and the heroes staggered over to them. "Lee...Marie...and May Kanker...Triplet sisters...that makes for a perfect group of test subjects!"

Marie scowled at him.

"Who are you!?"

"My name is Mamura...and you three are going to help me exact my revenge."

The room came to life with wicked green light.

The three Kanker Sister's screams filled the entire laboratory.

"Whether you like it or not!" He shouted.

 **0**

 **God, this chapter was annoying to write. I just wanted to parody the House of Evolution bit to keep up with parodying OPM. Also I don't know if "Dr. Mamura" is a taken name, so if anyone would like to tell me, please do so. Anyways, it seems the Kanker Sisters are in a bit of a tough spot. Will Ed come to the rescue? Will he** _ **want**_ **to? Stay posted for the next exciting(or not. Decided by you) chapter of One-Punch Ed!**


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